Disclaimer: The Enterprise characters do not belong to me,
they are only being borrowed for the purpose of this piece of fan
fiction and will be returned, unscathed to their rightful owner as
soon as I am finished with them.
Summary: Jon may feel he's losing it, but there are still
some things he can rely on.
Warnings: M/M interactions.
Rated: G for nothing graphic.
Thanks: To Alcott for betaing this ficlet for me.
Authors notes: I have not seen a great deal of season
three. I have read each episode synopsis however and the various
spoilers provided my luckier list sibs.
Comments: Can be sent to firstname.lastname@example.org
It has often been said that the first casualty of any war is
innocence, and at times like this, when I actually let myself stop to
think about everything that has happened since the Xindi attacked
earth, I know there is no better way to describe the effect it has
had on us all.
We have only been in the Expanse a few weeks but I can already
feel the objectivity that most of us had managed to salvage after the
attack, slowly being eroded. I keep telling myself it's to be
expected, that we are no longer on a journey of exploration. Our
mission now is to save Earth and to ensure the survival of the human
race, and it's not something we can do with the same wide-eyed wonder
we'd had two years ago.
I also know that we've all changed on some level; it's not just
me. Still, as Captain I am well aware that I need to maintain at
least a modicum of control. I can't just let myself be consumed as I
was today by the relentless anger and frustration I feel, have felt
on an ongoing basis since Earth was attacked.
Just looking at the Xindi database infuriates me. I can't
concentrate, which only adds to my frustration. I know it's because
I'm too wound up and that it would be wiser to leave it until I've at
least had some rest, but I can't seem to make myself stop trying to
understand the strange symbols, or to make sense of why they want to
There is a part of me however that thinks they have already
succeeded, that before this is over I will end up as just one more
statistic of the Delphic Expanse.
A familiar chirping cuts through my tangled thoughts and for a
moment I am torn between allowing the intrusion and persisting with
the database. It's no use though. The chime sounds again before I can
refocus and I snap at my caller to 'come in'.
I don't have many visitors to my cabin; fewer and fewer it seems
lately. Trip drops by occasionally, T'pol when necessary, but as I
turn from the screen the door slides open to reveal the very last
person I had expected to see here tonight, I find myself dealing with
a completely different array of emotions. Surprise, confusion and a
strange kind of elation that I can't really explain, to name just a
Unlike myself, Malcolm has changed out of his uniform and is now
dressed in what for him would be considered casual attire. He still
looks decidedly rigid however, uneasy as we regard one another.
I feel somewhat uneasy myself and as I stand up to greet him and
he steps inside I realise it's because of how I had behaved earlier,
when I had threatened to kill Orgoth.
Malcolm had witnessed my assault on the alien. His reaction to my
chosen method of interrogation had been an issue of contention
between us throughout the incident, and would be I had suspected for
some time to come. Knowing his contempt for the lack of control I had
showed I hadn't expected to see him tonight or any time soon - I had
thought he wouldn't want to see me, beyond what was unavoidable for
at least the next few days, or until he came to terms yet again with
the fact that I was probably never going to be the Captain he thought
I should be.
"Can I help you?" I ask, using neither his name nor his rank. I do
not understand why he is here, not after the way I acted, how I
treated him, and I don't want to pre-empt anything.
The door slides closed with the sound of my voice and I see
Malcolm relax as it does. I know it's wrong, unprofessional to care
what he thinks of me but I find myself relaxing a little also,
absurdly relieved at the slight but unmistakable changes in his body
language. That he is clearly here to see me, Jon and
not just his commanding officer.
Malcolm shakes his head as soon as the cabin is sealed shut,
stepping into my personal space and reaching for the opening on my
uniform a moment later. "I was thinking more along the lines of
whether or not I could help you." He explains as he tugs gently on
the collar of my overalls, moving it to one side to give himself
access to the tensed shoulder muscles beneath it.
It still amazes me that for a man so concerned with regulations
that very few of them seem to apply when he decides to take charge of
a situation. My breath catches in my throat as Malcolm's warm fingers
caress the area of skin he has exposed; slowly invoking feelings that
both sadden and arouse me.
"I'm not very good company," I warn him. I don't know what else to
say. What I should do. I am still dealing with the fact that he is
here and he has not simply abandoned me - us, as I had feared
A small, almost undetectable smile quirks the corner of Malcolm's
mouth as both his hands move to work their usual magic. "Its okay
love, you don't have to be." He tells me.
I know it's not right, that he just lets me take when I do not
have anything to give back, but I don't have the energy to argue with
him or the inclination to resist what I know he can give me, has
given me since long before the Xindi attacked.
Surrender is not a word I ever plan to use, though over the course
of the next few minutes that is exactly what I do. The zipper on my
uniform is lowered and I am helped from the restricting fabric and
then eased back into my chair. I still find it a little
disconcerting to watch Malcolm loving me or to think about what he
feels for me as love. I know that is what it is though and that I can rely on it, if nothing else, to endure.
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