Disclaimer: Paramount owns them.
Summary: First time.
Warning: Slight Angst. Rated R
Author's Notes: Prelude to the give and take series.
Thanks: To Mareel for picking up my typos and for always
listening. Any mistakes you find are mine.
Comments: Are welcome and can be sent to
I honestly don't know why I didn't send him away as soon as he had
delivered his report and before he had launched into what he tells me
is the real reason for his visit tonight. A year ago I wouldn't have
thought twice about what I should do. I would have cited regulations;
being mindful to reassure him that what he had disclosed would not
change our professional relationship in the slightest, or have any
impact whatsoever on his chances for advancement. He was a good man,
is a good man, and I would not use anything about what had been said
between us against him. I would make no report and if agreed, this
conversation had never taken place.
I hadn't sent him away though.
I had listened patiently to his proposal and the rationale behind
it. A little surprised, but pleased also to finally see a somewhat
human side to my very rigid armoury officer - a very real part of me
impressed with the level of courage and conviction it must have taken
for him to come to me tonight.
For my part I have tried to explain, to let him know that I have
the utmost respect for him, for the entire crew, but clearly I don't
have Malcolm's level of courage or capacity for honesty when it comes
to what I want it seems, and I know I have failed miserable. More
importantly, at no time during our conversation have I refused his
It is very quiet now, as if we have both run out of words.
I probably shouldn't be, but I am a little taken back when the
silence between us becomes uncomfortable and Malcolm finally stands
up, towering over me within the confines of my cabin. I suspect I
know where this is leading and mirror his movement as he steps
forward, moving into my personal space. In another time and place
maybe it would be easy to just reach out and take what he is
offering. Nothing about this is easy though and I feel myself tense
to the point that I know my discomfort must be obvious to the man
He says that he understands I don't return his feelings, that I
can't for various reasons and this will just be a mutual exchange for
as long as I want it. I haven't even said yes yet and after a life
time of conditioning and an ingrained belief that my sexual
encounters only included women, I am not even convinced that I can.
His close proximity is hard to ignore though, as is my bodies
reaction to it.
Malcolm appears very intent as he settles in front of me, in fact
his gaze is almost penetrating now, as if in the space of an hour he
has suddenly developed a way to see inside my head and he knows
exactly what I want, even before I do. I wonder briefly at my own
expression, wonder if I look as confused as I feel as he brings both
hands up to frame the sides of my face, holding me in place. I know
he is going to kiss me, but I am not sure I am ready for that and I
close my eyes, my breathe catching as his fingers caress my cheeks
and he thumbs gently at the corner of my closed eyes.
"I won't hurt you Jonathan, or do anything you don't want," he
breathes against me. "But I need your permission, your consent to go
I can feel the warmth of each word, expelled across my face with
such care and concern that I don't know what to say, how I am suppose
to feel. I am meant to be the one giving reassurance, the one in
control here, not the other way around. Malcolm seems to think
otherwise though. My mouth has gone dry and heart is beating so fast
that it's hard to think. I know he is waiting for answer. I can feel
his hands and the faint echo of a promise, smell his cologne, and
hear his steady breathing. It was simple, I tell myself. My choice.
I could say no and nothing more would be said on the subject, or I
could say yes, and receive the release being offered - allow myself
respite once and a while.
I have no words, I realise, because there are none. I have no
idea how to accept what I have never wanted before, not from any man,
let alone one under my command. With that thought in mind I open my
eyes, refusing my fear to get the better of me. Malcolm appears no
less serious than before, a little curious now perhaps, his fingers
moving ever so slightly against the side of my face, but he is not
pressing, just waiting for me to say something. I open my mouth, but
as expected nothing comes out.
I am growing increasingly annoyed by my own ineptness and with no
immediate alternative I choose another tactic, one I hope will be
clearer than I have been tonight and move further into Malcolm's
embrace. He compensates quickly for the alteration in our position,
but doesn't seem put-off in anyway. Moistening dry lips I lean in,
lifting one unsteady hand to his shoulder and using the other to
guide him forward, I cover his mouth with my own.
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